Many are not “true to themselves” within a relationship. They feel that being true to oneself and to the partner – open and aware about own desires, requirements, behavior and attitudes and acting according to what they really want – might involve a risk and a price to pay. They think that ignoring their own will is the best way to maintain the relationship. But the opposite is true:
When you are not true to yourself you can’t have a satisfying and healthy intimate relationship.
Being true to yourself means removing your masks and behaving according to your authentic, legitimate self, out of a sense of self-worth and empowerment. When you are true to yourself you can be true with your partners. You can then progress an authentic and intimate relationship.
Many, however , are not true to themselves: they try to “accommodate” to their partners, at times even in the expense of giving up their own requirements, desires and beliefs. They might believe this is a way to keep a good relationship, but don’t realize that by not being true to by themselves they actually harm the intimacy.
Listed here are two such examples:
Marilyn was a vegetarian until she met Peter. He made fun of her and anticipated her to experience his love meant for meat along with him. Marilyn hesitated, but decided that for the sake of “a good relationship” she was ready to give up her vegetarian diet. In fact, she thought, what could happen in the event that she ate meat once in a while?
For the sake of her relationship Marilyn is prepared to quit something she believes in, which is really important to her. She doesn’t realize that in the long run, this behavior is exactly what might harm and end the relationship.
Julia loves Expenses, pampers and cares for your pet. She’s there to satisfy his requirements, just as she’s done with previous companions.
Sometimes Julia gets tired of always being right now there for him, and would like Expenses to pamper her. But the girl never allows herself to request. She’s afraid that it might make your pet angry; that he might stop adoring her.
Julia’s need for love and fear of abandonment drive her to not be faithful to herself, making it impossible for her to develop a bond based on mutual give and take. Her lack of loyalty to herself may boomerang: the girl might eventually become angry, discouraged, irritated. Not only she might be unable to cultivate an authentic and intimate relationship, but she might ultimately discover herself alone, as so many times in the past.
Just how did you learn to not be faithful to yourself?
Experiences you had while growing up may have taught you that behaving according to what you desire might have brought unpleasant consequences: criticism, judgmental reactions, punishments and rejection. As a result, you learned – like Marilyn and Julia apparently have – that conveying your needs and desires cost you dearly. As a result you might have unconsciously learned to ignore what you really wanted, concluding that in order to survive, the best was not to become true to yourself (but rather support your behavior to others’ needs and expectations).
Being an adult, you are used to this design and are liable to let things take place without really agreeing to them, simply so that you will have a partner and will have a relationship. You do so unconsciously, afraid that if you’ll be true to yourself and express your wishes, you may not meet the expectations of your partners; that they might criticize you; be angry from you; not love you; reject or maybe even abandon you.
Jimmy and Ann met through an internet site. After a short period of emailing back and forth, they progressed to phone calls and soon afterwards met at a café. Two days later they will went to a movie. On their third time, they walked along the boardwalk in the moonlight, holding hands and breathing each other in.
At the end of the evening, Jimmy drove Ann home to her apartment. On the set of stairs, they kissed, and Ann considered to herself: what if he expects myself to invite him upstairs? I’m not sure I’m ready for that, but I know it’s accepted on a third date. And Jimmy thought to themselves: what if Ann asks me up? I don’t know if that matches me at the moment, but what if which is what she expects?
And they went upstairs and went to bed.
Ann is afraid that now that she has found someone who seems to be nice, he may not want to see her again in the event that she refuses to go to bed with your pet. Jimmy is afraid that if Ann expects to go to bed and he refuses, she might question his masculinity. So they go to bed on the third time, not really wanting to do so.
Often you are unaware of the fact that you might be not true to yourself. If you have an on-going relationship which isn’t satisfying, you really feel hurt and angry, not recognizing that by not being faithful to yourself you might have brought it upon yourself (thus tending to blame your partner).
If you fall short having an on-going relationship, you might jump from one partner to another, feeling disappointed, frustrated, confused, saying to yourself: “I gave so much! inch; “I wanted it so badly”; “I tried so hard” : “so what happened? What went wrong – again? What, for God’s sake, have I done wrong this time? “
A person haven’t done anything. What you have not accomplished is be true to yourself; you did not behave according to your will certainly. That’s why once again you have been accumulating anger and frustration and another relationship has ended as so many in the past.
If you don’t observe your behavior, develop self-awareness and get up the courage to become true to yourself, you are liable to fall short time and again.
Rationalizations and justifications you use if you are not true to yourself
From the beginning, Sally felt that Don was not suitable for her: this individual didn’t like being touched; this individual was emotionally closed; he didn’t care about what interested her. Nevertheless, she stayed with him.
When meeting her friends she often comments that “most men are closed”. She tries to convince herself and them that Don has the “potential” to change.
Sally convinces herself that Don has the “potential” to change; that their own relationship has the “potential” to improve. Much more disguising the truth more convenient; it allows her to postpone any choice to later.
When you are not true to yourself and not behaving according to your true will and desires, you rationalize and justify to yourselves why you accept the problem as it is:
* “After all, you can’t always do anything you want. ”
* “After all, there is a potential there”.
* “You need to know how to sacrifice and compromise. inch
* “I’ll never ever find a better partner anyway. inch
* “All interactions are the same. ”
By using such rationalizations and justifications, is actually easier for you to continue behaving with your partners the way you did in the past, without being true to yourself, without respecting your own personal will and desires, without being authentic.
But continuing behaving like you have until now will carry on harming your relationship.
How to change from not being true to yourself to respecting your own personal will and be true to yourself?
The way to make a significant change in your behavior is simply by getting to understand whatever fears and needs control you and drive you to definitely not be true to yourself. Are you afraid of rejection? Are you afraid of being by itself? Do you need so much love that you are willing to do whatever your partner wishes, even at the expense of your own self-respect and desires?
When you understand what has driven you to give up on your will and not be true to yourself, and realize the damage it has accomplished to your relationships, you can then begin to associated with necessary changes. You will then empower you to ultimately develop and maintain a satisfying and healthy intimacy.
The following Exercises will enable you to see to what degree you are faithful to yourself
Are you true to yourself? Use these exercises to check it out! You will then turn out to be better equipped to develop a successful closeness.
1 . When you are not faithful to yourself, what do you want to do, express or request, but don’t dare to?
2 . When you have the relationship, what do you find yourself doing you do not want to?
3. If you have a relationship, what does your partner request of you that you would prefer to decline but don’t have the courage to?
4. What stops you from being true to yourself?
5. How do all these find expression and affect your relationship?
6. Exactly what needs to happen for you to get up the courage to be true to yourself?
7. How being true to yourself will affect your relationship?